Stress

So i guess that the stresser that i have had lately is being sick and my children being sick, seeing doctor after doctor and knowing all the bills will be comeing because my insurance is not that good and wondering how it is all going to get paid. I am having tubes put in my ears and then they are doing a cat scan to find out what is making me sick all the time and then my littlest son is having tubes put in his ears also. It all seems never ending and it has really affect my school year this semester because i have not been able to give it all i can and it stresses me because i know i can do better than i have, i am just so tired and i get dizzy to the point where i feel like passing out and then my vision is in and out all the time, hopefully next semester will be better!

So i guess tonight i am just writing because i am tired and sick and can not sleep so i am messing around on the computer. I have been reading this really amazing book called yesterday i cried i am also doing my book report on it. It has really affected me and made me realize that life is what you make of it. It is amazing to read everything this woman has gone through growing up and still continues to be going today. This is the type of woman that i admire, when she lets nothing stand in her way of life and to the happiness that she deserves!! I am going to change my life. I have came to the decision that i am always moaning and complaining about my life but now is the time to change it. A new year is coming upon me and I am going to start early. Tomorrow i am stopping smoking, i have tried before and always failed, but tomorrow is the day, i am going to start eatingn better and exercising. I will keep posted on how it;s all going because it is time for a change!!!

guidlines for parents?

So there was a question on the list that we looked at the other day about should there be guidelines for people or something like that before they are able to have children. We did not get to discuss it but i thought that it was a very interesting question. I look back to having kids and with my first one i was so not ready i was still in high school and i never even thought about it once. I never thought about consequences about having sex, (i guess i would not consider it a consequence because i love him to death!) but you know if everything was more laid out on the table. I guess i just did things to do them back then. But i was not ready then and if there was guidelines i would not have fit them! I wanted to party and be a teenager and that does not go along with motherhood i came to realize. But i guess i think about it from the aspects of looking at the mother is automaticly stuck in that position and the father can be easily off the hook. My oldest son's father has seen him once and that was when he was like 6 months old and has never done anything for him except pay child support which is mandatory and that is iffy some months if i even receive that. I really don't even think that i loved this guy ever honestly either he was just one boyfriend at this point in my life. But i feel really bitter towards him and i always have, it is not as bad now that i am older though, but i have always felt that he just walked away and never took any responsibility at all for a child that is also his and i guess i just don't understand how he could do that. And then i have the father of my second child that at one point in my life that i was in love with and engaged to, but he was verbally abusive to the point that i did not even have any friends anymore, because he did not like me having friends, hell he didn't even like me going to work or seeing my own family. He always totally put me down and i was not a good relationship at all and i took me two years to actually leave him, but when i did leave him i was to the point that i totally hated him. I stayed so long because i was pregnant and didn't want to go it alone with two children, but it was the best decision that i ever made, but i still have anger towards him because he has nothing to do with his child and he also has two other children from his previous marriage that i see more than he does. And i guess that it just hurts me to know that it is that easy for men to just walk away from something and someone that is a part of themselves also. Yes i do not like him but that does not mean that he can not know his child.

Relationships

So i think that i would have to say i need to work on my parent relationship. There are days that i feel that i am a horrible mother, i am so busy with life that i can not take the time out of my day to spend a lot of time with my kids. It seems like i go right from school to work and then when i get home i am tired and get ready for bed. I have watched myself lately actually before we talked about relationship and seen how i act with my children, and what i have came across is that i yell a lot and seem to be to busy and i notice the looks from my oldest son when i can't go and do something with him and all the behavior that he has been showing because i have "been to busy". So what i have come up with is that i need down time for me and them to be together. I am going to work on my yelling, which i think is just coming from being tired and never seeming to have a break anymore, because i never used to be this way and it is not an excuse, i need to learn to handle the stress in my life some way and some how. SO i am going to start by taking an hour everyday and trying to get our relationships back to where they need to be, if makes me feel horrible when they go to their grandparents for attention :-( so i am going to be there, and taking cuts out of other areas in my life like work, because my kids need to be and are more important than that!

My personal growth

From the beginning of the semester i have to say that my goal of exercising and loosing weight has not happened at all. I seem to get to stressed and then everything that i think that i want to do never seems to happen. I think that my actual goal of life are coming along though. I have told myself that i am going to continue on through college and i am trying my hardest to do that best that i can along with work and my children. It seems like there is never enough hours in the days or enough days in the week to do everything that i need to do. I am having more homework and work is always stressful and i never have weekends off so it is hard to find time for the homework and for my kids, which is really showing by my children acting out. And i know that i need to find an even balance some how to do it all. But work is not as important as college, but then it all comes down to the word money. If i don't work i dont have the money for all the things that we need and the huge car payments, it's like it is a never ending battle. Goals are a good thing for me to have but it seems like something can happen and just wipe all that out and then i'm back to square one.

I do not think that trying to be like someone else is a waste of time. Everyone is their own person and should want to be themselves. But to want to be like someone else is not a wasted effort. Because if that person is someone that you look up to it could be as simple as to wanting to better yourself as a person or better yourself at something. So i look at it as the point as long as you do not want to change yourself in general, but to better yourself in anyway possible nothing is never wasted.

class

I think that the class is going good. I am learning a lot from the reading. I think that we have a lot going though and it makes it hard to keep up with all the different things that we have going. Everything that we are doing is good we have a lot of different accounts and it is hard to keep them all seperate, if there was any way we could combine it more into one for future class in might be easier to keep things together and make managing all of it at once easier. The group ideas are a good thing but maybe be able to have more things assigned individual because it makes it hard for everybody to get together outside of class because of all of our conflicting schedules.