Stress

So i guess that the stresser that i have had lately is being sick and my children being sick, seeing doctor after doctor and knowing all the bills will be comeing because my insurance is not that good and wondering how it is all going to get paid. I am having tubes put in my ears and then they are doing a cat scan to find out what is making me sick all the time and then my littlest son is having tubes put in his ears also. It all seems never ending and it has really affect my school year this semester because i have not been able to give it all i can and it stresses me because i know i can do better than i have, i am just so tired and i get dizzy to the point where i feel like passing out and then my vision is in and out all the time, hopefully next semester will be better!

So i guess tonight i am just writing because i am tired and sick and can not sleep so i am messing around on the computer. I have been reading this really amazing book called yesterday i cried i am also doing my book report on it. It has really affected me and made me realize that life is what you make of it. It is amazing to read everything this woman has gone through growing up and still continues to be going today. This is the type of woman that i admire, when she lets nothing stand in her way of life and to the happiness that she deserves!! I am going to change my life. I have came to the decision that i am always moaning and complaining about my life but now is the time to change it. A new year is coming upon me and I am going to start early. Tomorrow i am stopping smoking, i have tried before and always failed, but tomorrow is the day, i am going to start eatingn better and exercising. I will keep posted on how it;s all going because it is time for a change!!!

guidlines for parents?

So there was a question on the list that we looked at the other day about should there be guidelines for people or something like that before they are able to have children. We did not get to discuss it but i thought that it was a very interesting question. I look back to having kids and with my first one i was so not ready i was still in high school and i never even thought about it once. I never thought about consequences about having sex, (i guess i would not consider it a consequence because i love him to death!) but you know if everything was more laid out on the table. I guess i just did things to do them back then. But i was not ready then and if there was guidelines i would not have fit them! I wanted to party and be a teenager and that does not go along with motherhood i came to realize. But i guess i think about it from the aspects of looking at the mother is automaticly stuck in that position and the father can be easily off the hook. My oldest son's father has seen him once and that was when he was like 6 months old and has never done anything for him except pay child support which is mandatory and that is iffy some months if i even receive that. I really don't even think that i loved this guy ever honestly either he was just one boyfriend at this point in my life. But i feel really bitter towards him and i always have, it is not as bad now that i am older though, but i have always felt that he just walked away and never took any responsibility at all for a child that is also his and i guess i just don't understand how he could do that. And then i have the father of my second child that at one point in my life that i was in love with and engaged to, but he was verbally abusive to the point that i did not even have any friends anymore, because he did not like me having friends, hell he didn't even like me going to work or seeing my own family. He always totally put me down and i was not a good relationship at all and i took me two years to actually leave him, but when i did leave him i was to the point that i totally hated him. I stayed so long because i was pregnant and didn't want to go it alone with two children, but it was the best decision that i ever made, but i still have anger towards him because he has nothing to do with his child and he also has two other children from his previous marriage that i see more than he does. And i guess that it just hurts me to know that it is that easy for men to just walk away from something and someone that is a part of themselves also. Yes i do not like him but that does not mean that he can not know his child.

Relationships

So i think that i would have to say i need to work on my parent relationship. There are days that i feel that i am a horrible mother, i am so busy with life that i can not take the time out of my day to spend a lot of time with my kids. It seems like i go right from school to work and then when i get home i am tired and get ready for bed. I have watched myself lately actually before we talked about relationship and seen how i act with my children, and what i have came across is that i yell a lot and seem to be to busy and i notice the looks from my oldest son when i can't go and do something with him and all the behavior that he has been showing because i have "been to busy". So what i have come up with is that i need down time for me and them to be together. I am going to work on my yelling, which i think is just coming from being tired and never seeming to have a break anymore, because i never used to be this way and it is not an excuse, i need to learn to handle the stress in my life some way and some how. SO i am going to start by taking an hour everyday and trying to get our relationships back to where they need to be, if makes me feel horrible when they go to their grandparents for attention :-( so i am going to be there, and taking cuts out of other areas in my life like work, because my kids need to be and are more important than that!